even though i know it had to be said, i feel like it ruined a little bit of a fantasy. one that i know could never come true because lets face it, i’m just not that “girl” and i feel, most of the time, i’ve comes to terms with that. i just want to move on with my life and travel and do great things and be able to show my nieces all those things and the world in a different way then what they will grow up in.
it really felt like an out of sight out of mind situation. i didnt really think about him i didnt feel anything of what i had when he was here. i would sit in the apartment and it just felt weird, i guess because i knew he wasnt going to come back at least to me. and i was right, not thinking about him, not seeing him, not hearing his voice, made is so much easier to deal with. even if people at work brought him up and most didnt know and would make fun that i complained as much as he did and those that did know woudl poke fun, its ok. it wasnt enough to get sick of it.
damn technology though. because of it i was able to see him and hear him and it all came back. because those senses arent exactly touched by emails, short ones at that. obviously he hadnt gotten my email yet about how much i was starting to hate him and just all the stress i was feeling, not to mention the added frustration from my current insomnia.
it was a way to stay close to him and i guess deal with it, but it is just too much especially when i have so much of my own stuff going on. you know in movies or maybe you’ve witnessed it yourself of how that dutiful housewife stays at home makes everything perfect for her husband, even herself down to the last strand of hair on her head, and hes off screwing the secretary or whoever. thats what i started feeling like. i hate that feeling and i hate even more that i got myself into a situation where i would feel it.
it was a good summer, far from perfect but made a lot better by him and the others i may have never met if i had gotten that other job earlier in the year. and now i’m so afraid because of all the pain i’ve felt before and crap i’ve dealt with that i cant bring that wall down for the ones that actually deserve it. i know he did and i tried so hard not too. because i was so scared of getting attached and getting hurt again.
i havent felt like this since the last day i saw him. i was really trying not to feel like this at all ever again. its amazing how three little words can throw you, not the ones you think, i probably would have keeled over in shock if it had been because i really have no response to that. but “i miss you” had just as big as an effect. i wouldnt have thought that either. i do miss him but again trying to keep out of sight out of mind just to keep myself sane.
i highly doubt anything life changing will happen if its even brought up at all. we shall see but thats for another time.
gimme a break, break me off a piece of that KIT KAT BAR!!!
oh how i love kit kats, i really wish i had a kit kat only vending machine, but sorrow, just a fantasy. lol
well yeah i’m looking for a break.
i’m still waiting quite impatiently on news about a new job. i’ve been waiting almost a year since i was offered the position just waiting to get medically cleared. its an awesome opportunity for me to travel and even though its basically the same job i have now, i mean come on, if i could do that out side and maybe in another country it would be so much better.
its just so hard waiting, i had everything set months ago to be gone and away on my first real adventure. and it blew up in my face. i’m sitting here in the cold, bumming around family working crappy jobs and just see no light at the end of the tunnel.
what makes it even worse i always hate it when you have to admit a parent was right about the field you went into, and should have gone into the one they suggest. oye.